Pegasus Tech Menu:
The Lighter Side
Web and email are wonderful sources of humor. Here are some
of our favorites:
If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.|
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count
as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
Solution: Eat them in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one
place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you
can't eat all your chocolate, it may be a sign of a deeper problem.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories
are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect
Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.
Two phrases: Money talks. Chocolate sings.
The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Catlette's Soliloquy by Shakespaw
To go outside, Or to remain within: |
That is the question;
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And by so dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
and stall the dinner bell.
To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transformed by doubt.
To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
as simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten?
Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause on the threshold of decision.
- Everyone has a photographic memory, but some don't have any film.
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is, like, night.
- Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
- He was lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
- She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station...
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,"Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons
and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do . . . write to these people? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while they delivered the mail?
Dogs Came From and Why We Have Cats
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer
to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every
day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult
for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you,
so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept
you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was
a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be
with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already
named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for
this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to
be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my
own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him.
And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content &
wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel
came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.
He struts & preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who
will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion
will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always
worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey
Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was
not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically,
I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time
is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God
is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some
bastard has stolen our tent."
"Squawks" are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance
crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Note:
(P) = Problem and (S) = Solution.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
Artery ........... The study of paintings.
Bacteria ......... Back door to the cafeteria.
Barium ........... What doctors do when patients die.
Benign ........... What you be after you be eight.
Catscan .......... Searching for kitty.
Cauterize ........ Made eye contact with her.
Dilate ........... To live long.
Enema ............ Not a friend.
Genital .......... Non-Jewish person.
Fester ........... Quicker that someone else.
Fibula ........... A small lie.
Impotent ......... Distinguished, well-known.
Nitrates ......... Cheaper than day rates.
Node ............. I knew it.
Outpatient ....... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis ........... Second cousin to Elvis.
Rectum ........... Damn near killed him.
Secretion ........ hiding something.
Tablet ........... a small table.
Terminal illness ..Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor ............ More than one.
Urine ............ Opposite of you're out.
Varicose ......... Near by/close by.
"The Hungry Fly"
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a
pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last meal,
he flew down and began to eat.
He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and
tried to fly away. He had eaten too much, though, and could not get off
As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork
leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped
off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he
hit the floor. Dead.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know you're
full of shit.
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise short
story containing these four elements: 1) religion, 2) royalty, 3) sex,
The prize-winning story read: 'My God,' said the Queen. 'I'm pregnant.
I wonder who did it?'
Are the Lowest Form of Humor
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became
a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser
of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to
the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served
on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The
waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always
have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end
of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he
was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri
made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his
regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut
daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri,
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the
other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the
man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows
that readers digest, and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins---if
you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Note: If you're offended by blonde jokes, don't read any farther. Or
read them but insert "brunette," "redhead" or the group of your choice.
We're not against blondes, we're just FOR funny jokes.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for
four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they
turned around and went home.
What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy . . . Doughnut seeds!
Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!
How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body
with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere I touch . . . My leg,
my arm, my neck, and it even hurts when I touch my head!"
The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"
"Yes, I was," she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular
You have to hollow out the head.
Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in
their car at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter".
Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns
and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding
out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics
for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could have
a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat
hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously,
"Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one
day she comes home and finds her husband with a beautiful redhead! She
grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps up begging
and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds
to the husband, "Shut up . . . you're next!"
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize
she could play it at night.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
The President of Pegasus Technologies has an advanged degree, which accounts
for the quality of this humor! Check it out.
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